Last night in a particularly intense (for me) yoga session, the instructor said something that I found to be incredibly profound:
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Her timing in sharing this little tidbit was auspicious since the intention I’d set for my practice just moments before was “Listen to my body”.
Listen to my body. Easier said than done - tapping into that self-awareness.
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We don’t realize how hard it can be to really, truly, truthfully listen to our body when we spend most of our time rushing from one task to the next at home, at work, in life...largely in denial of neglecting our most precious resource.
I challenge you to listen to your body.
What does it say? What is it saying right now? What does it say when you’re stressed or anxious or angry at the latest turn of events?
-- Does your body sleep peacefully at night or does it protest and toss and turn?
-- Does your body enjoy the fuel you give it through the food choices you make? Does it stay happy for hours feeling strong and fulfilled or does it constantly object through grumblings and hunger pangs or bloating and indigestion?
-- Do you abuse your body with smoking or drinking alcohol or filling it with sugars and chemicals? Or do you lovingly provide it with precisely the fuel it needs for optimal health and wellness – things like water and tea and organic produce?
-- Does your body relax when you give it a moment to release or is there a perpetual tightness that creeps into your neck or shoulders or face?
-- Do you criticize your body for not being slim enough or strong enough or healthy enough or tan enough or smooth enough, wishing for a different body free from these imperfections?
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I have a complex and many-layered relationship with my body.
It is out of shape, overweight, occasionally plagued with low back pain or pinching knees or protesting ankles and constantly tense/tight shoulders and neck. But it has carried me through life with as much grace as possible considering the abuse I’ve laid on it for so many years…over eating, under exercising, neglecting it at every turn.
So, how do I transform this life-long habit of abuse into love and nurturing and compassion and acceptance?
It’s a journey and a slow one, at that.
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Last night, we were doing seated twists but my belly prevented me from getting into the position I wanted in order to get a full twist. I did my best to accept that this is where I am in this moment and I did my best to modify without judgment.
In moments when I’m on the yoga mat doing a yoga practice, I am given permission by my wonderful instructors to sink into this moment called “Now” and to settle deep within myself in order to have an honest dialog.
In challenging poses, I ask my legs for strength, or I ask my breath for precious air, and I do my best to listen to every single cell for cues on how to execute each move to the best of my ability.
Self-awareness comes with a price, though. Holding up a mirror of truth, I begin to see how I got here and it’s not pretty. I am challenged to face my fears, to walk towards them, and then come out the other side wiser and stronger for it. But it’s painful and scary, at times.
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After yoga last night, I began experiencing symptoms of my panic attacks. It starts with a tingling in my left arm and chest so my anxiety attacks present much like a heart attack. This sends me off on a ride of worry – Is it anxiety or is it a heart attack this time?
Then, I plunge into anger and fear chastising myself for the latest poor eating choices or for not exercising more, blaming myself for the heart attack that I am now convinced will take me at any moment.
So what did I do in the middle of this panic and fear and self-judgment? I went to Taco Bell and got a burrito.
Yes. You read that right. I got a burrito and immediately started consuming it like it might be my last.
But, something amazing happened.
Halfway through that burrito, I stopped myself and listened.
I realized that I had just made a choice that was perpetuating this awful cycle of self-destruction.
I was scared and ignoring the fear. This pushed me into a desperate search for something comforting (food) which lent itself to the panic that had originally led to my fear in the first place.
In that moment, I saw the awful cycle that I’d created for myself for all of these years.
And while it was a relief to have this moment of insight, I was completely overwhelmed at the size and scope of this cycle that gripped me so tightly. How do you begin undoing a set of habits that have been a standby since childhood?
It all comes back to self-awareness, to being present, and in listening to my body.
It was a step towards healing. One of one hundred million, but it was one. And one step is profound.
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Through self-awareness, I can begin to identify, heal, challenge, accept, grow, and love everything that is me. I’m not becoming aware of myself for anyone or anything. I am looking at myself with honesty and settling into the imperfections and seeing where I come out on the other side.
Showing posts with label plus-size. Show all posts
Showing posts with label plus-size. Show all posts
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Monday, April 26, 2010
Conquering My Fears and Self-Doubt
Yesterday I did something extraordinary. I attended a workshop at a yoga studio I’d never been to and I pushed through my fear to discover something completely uplifting and incredible.
It was billed as a 3-hour yoga workshop with Para Darin Somma to raise funds for an Indian Sage named Amma Sri Karunamayi. Unsure of what to expect out of the space, the attendees, the presenter, and how intense the yoga would be, I felt out of my element and a little scared before I even walked through the doors.
Upon arrival, I found 6 people already in the studio and ALL of them were the epitome of crazy yoga bodies in impossible (to me) poses.
One was doing an arm balance with his legs scissored sideways, another was in lotus but his entire chest and head were flat on the floor in a deep reverent bow to Ganesha, a woman nearby was in some other super bendy pose and to make matters even more uncomfortable they seemed to all know each other.
Insecurity got the best of me and after dropping my mat on the floor, I retreated to the hallway to give myself a pep talk.
I reminded myself that if this studio truly taught yoga in its spiritual form, then they would welcome me regardless of my body size or ability.
Then, Darin came in (the workshop leader) and he was simultaneously intimidating and warmly peaceful.
He had a big bushy black beard and prayer beads around his neck. He looked to be in his mid-30’s and had a fairly traditional (Indian) look to him. When he spoke, I immediately felt as if we were friends…casual, authentic, approachable, humble, and a great sense of humor.
I learned much in the initial talk:
- What “guru” means
o “ru” in Sanskrit means “remover of” or “destroyer of” and “gu” means “darkness” – so a guru is someone that destroys darkness, or lights the way, or brings light to…as Darin said, a guru is a like a lightbulb in a room: it lights up the room but it is up to you to SEE the room as it is and to walk thru the room on your own.
- Karma and the true meaning in bowing at the feet of a guru or deity
o Karma, or truth, flows in thru your head and out thru your feet. This is why when you meet someone with great wisdom like a guru or a deity, you bow at their feet…you are trying to accept some of their karma, which flows out of their feet, by putting your head nearby. Who knew?
- Tantra
o It means “technique”, so if you know the tantra of something, you know the technique. It’s not nearly as sensual as I first thought when Darin was saying he knew of all these different tantras.
- A series of Sanskit chants (some familiar, some not)
- The history of yoga…it fit perfectly with what I’ve been reading in "Wisdom of Yoga" by Stephen Cope.
When we went around the room and introduced ourselves, it was like being cradled in pure love by all of these strangers for 3 hours. I can’t explain it. They accepted me without question, without judgment, and I felt completely safe in that space.
It’s an extraordinary thing to cultivate in such a short period of time. I think that speaks to the power of the people that participated in the workshop.
The actual yoga asanas were simple and straightforward, but we held them for long periods of time and did each a few times. I'm a little sore today in that delightfully yummy way.
As usual, the most challenging pose for me was the simple seated forward-bend because my belly gets in the way. I worked very hard to just accept my belly for what it is, to send it love instead of getting frustrated and tense, and I feel like we had a little breakthrough, my belly and I.
At the end of the workshop, Darin blessed each of us individually and it felt truly sacred.
While I certainly soaked up tremendous knowledge on an intellectual level, the lessons I really have as my take-away are:
- to face my fear and let go of the need to control a situation, to trust myself – because if my intent is to learn and to grow it’s going to turn out okay.
- to love my body’s limitations, no matter what they are, because it’s where I am right now and that’s just fine. If I reject myself or wish for something else, I’m not living in the Now and I’m stressing myself needlessly.
- meditation and chanting are powerful tools that I can use to heal the world AND to heal myself.
So, one more step on a path of millions on my quest to manifest Caya.
I feel so at peace today…there is something invaluable in being accepted, welcomed, and loved by strangers in a sacred space.
It was billed as a 3-hour yoga workshop with Para Darin Somma to raise funds for an Indian Sage named Amma Sri Karunamayi. Unsure of what to expect out of the space, the attendees, the presenter, and how intense the yoga would be, I felt out of my element and a little scared before I even walked through the doors.
Upon arrival, I found 6 people already in the studio and ALL of them were the epitome of crazy yoga bodies in impossible (to me) poses.
One was doing an arm balance with his legs scissored sideways, another was in lotus but his entire chest and head were flat on the floor in a deep reverent bow to Ganesha, a woman nearby was in some other super bendy pose and to make matters even more uncomfortable they seemed to all know each other.
Insecurity got the best of me and after dropping my mat on the floor, I retreated to the hallway to give myself a pep talk.
I reminded myself that if this studio truly taught yoga in its spiritual form, then they would welcome me regardless of my body size or ability.
Then, Darin came in (the workshop leader) and he was simultaneously intimidating and warmly peaceful.
He had a big bushy black beard and prayer beads around his neck. He looked to be in his mid-30’s and had a fairly traditional (Indian) look to him. When he spoke, I immediately felt as if we were friends…casual, authentic, approachable, humble, and a great sense of humor.
I learned much in the initial talk:
- What “guru” means
o “ru” in Sanskrit means “remover of” or “destroyer of” and “gu” means “darkness” – so a guru is someone that destroys darkness, or lights the way, or brings light to…as Darin said, a guru is a like a lightbulb in a room: it lights up the room but it is up to you to SEE the room as it is and to walk thru the room on your own.
- Karma and the true meaning in bowing at the feet of a guru or deity
o Karma, or truth, flows in thru your head and out thru your feet. This is why when you meet someone with great wisdom like a guru or a deity, you bow at their feet…you are trying to accept some of their karma, which flows out of their feet, by putting your head nearby. Who knew?
- Tantra
o It means “technique”, so if you know the tantra of something, you know the technique. It’s not nearly as sensual as I first thought when Darin was saying he knew of all these different tantras.
- A series of Sanskit chants (some familiar, some not)
- The history of yoga…it fit perfectly with what I’ve been reading in "Wisdom of Yoga" by Stephen Cope.
When we went around the room and introduced ourselves, it was like being cradled in pure love by all of these strangers for 3 hours. I can’t explain it. They accepted me without question, without judgment, and I felt completely safe in that space.
It’s an extraordinary thing to cultivate in such a short period of time. I think that speaks to the power of the people that participated in the workshop.
The actual yoga asanas were simple and straightforward, but we held them for long periods of time and did each a few times. I'm a little sore today in that delightfully yummy way.
As usual, the most challenging pose for me was the simple seated forward-bend because my belly gets in the way. I worked very hard to just accept my belly for what it is, to send it love instead of getting frustrated and tense, and I feel like we had a little breakthrough, my belly and I.
At the end of the workshop, Darin blessed each of us individually and it felt truly sacred.
While I certainly soaked up tremendous knowledge on an intellectual level, the lessons I really have as my take-away are:
- to face my fear and let go of the need to control a situation, to trust myself – because if my intent is to learn and to grow it’s going to turn out okay.
- to love my body’s limitations, no matter what they are, because it’s where I am right now and that’s just fine. If I reject myself or wish for something else, I’m not living in the Now and I’m stressing myself needlessly.
- meditation and chanting are powerful tools that I can use to heal the world AND to heal myself.
So, one more step on a path of millions on my quest to manifest Caya.
I feel so at peace today…there is something invaluable in being accepted, welcomed, and loved by strangers in a sacred space.
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