Truth is a slippery thing if it's not wielded safely. Some people subscribe to the belief that all truth is good truth, but most of us know that sometimes truth can be harmful and mean.
Ken Nelson, a facilitator at our most recent Kripalu workshop, framed truth beautifully. He said we should welcome useful truth, not brutal truth.
It's something I've been ruminating on for the last few months. In fact, I've been chewing on a lot of concepts lately thanks to Stephen Cope's "The Wisdom of Yoga" and a series of other yoga-based texts.
Today offered me the chance to witness myself exercising brutal truth and it led to hurt feelings and guilt. Oh the discomfort of seeing myself as I am in all of my glorious imperfections...
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Over the last several days I've been challenged with a pet peeve of mine via a dear, dear friend. Regardless of what it is, I was faced with a situation that left me uncomfortable, agitated, and in judgment.
Leaving one of my yoga classes, I was mulling over how to handle this situation. Should I start an honest but gentle conversation with this person or would that cause unnecessary drama? Should I accept that my friend just does this and let it go (who's to say what someone should or shouldn't do - I'm not anyone's boss, right)? I wasn't sure what the honest and compassionate path was...is saying something "useful" truth or is it "brutal"? Is not saying something skirting honesty for the sake of avoiding something uncomfortable? I really had no idea.
A while later, my friend and I were discussing things we were trying to work on and I literally felt myself step away from my body and witness myself rudely and bluntly say something like "You're famous for talking while someone else is talking and I'm trying to listen to them. You do it all the time and it can be kind of rude."
Internally, my jaw dropped.
Talk about brutal truth. I was surprised at how this judgmental declaration just came tumbling out.
My friend is painfully transparent. Every emotion & thought flashes across her face and I saw that I'd hurt her (not my goal by any stretch) and really, these minor irritants just weren't THAT important to me. Not if this was the price.
I felt guilty. She closed down and remained guarded for much of the morning. I don't blame her, either. It was rude and unnecessary of me to blurt out an uninvited observation.
I wanted to apologize to her and discuss my behavior, but Ego stepped in and instead I kept quiet.
On my long drive home, I marinated on everything.
Brutal truth had exploded from me in an instant - completely unplanned and unscripted; the antithesis of how I'd envisioned handling the situation.
The last thing I want to do is use brutal truth, especially if it leads to hurting people I love and value.
What was I doing to myself? Was I this insensitive or was something deeper going on? This kind of truth served no one but myself - and that means it was anything but useful.
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Stephen Cope writes about the power of getting in touch with your inner Witness or your inner soul/truth. Witness does not judge, does not decide right or wrong...it simply observes and sees things as they are (instead of how Ego and Puppy Mind WANT us to see them which is OUR way or the highway).
I'm certainly not a master meditator or a wise yogi, so experiencing this Witness was a major event for me. Though admittedly, it's difficult to reflect on this kind of insight without sitting in judgment of myself.
As I think about my use of brutal truth, I see that it's something I've used in the past on a number of occasions.
Typically, it rears its ugly head when I'm judging someone I care about and I'm not sure how to communicate my thoughts without seeming rude...and then brutal truth comes blurting out in my desperation to be heard. Basically, it's all about me sometimes and that's when I cross a line from compassionate to self-serving.
It's difficult to learn these things about myself. I see how I've hurt people I care about because of a discomfort within myself that gets projected...
But, today I'm thankful for this insight. I'm thankful to the Witness for showing me a glimpse of something I need to think about and bring awareness to. I'm thankful to yoga for giving me the tools to self-reflect without putting myself down or questioning my heart and value.
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Life lessons (especially those about yourself) aren't easy pills to swallow. As bumpy as the road may seem, each lesson teaches us something valuable that can lift us up and bring us closer to peace and serenity.
I suspect I have a few apologies to dole out and some hard work ahead of me.
But I'm simultaneously practicing self-acceptance, self-awareness, and self-compassion. I cannot change overnight but I can put one foot in front of the other, mindfully, and see where I end up.
I cannot begin to describe how thankful I am to have yoga in my life...for the moments when I'm on the mat and I'm settling into myself and my truth and learning now to navigate this crazy world. Bringing this inner serenity into the outside world is a little more challenging, but I'm working on it. Because like all of us, I'm a beautiful work in progress.
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Saturday, May 8, 2010
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Facing the Burrito Demon Through Self-Awareness
Last night in a particularly intense (for me) yoga session, the instructor said something that I found to be incredibly profound:
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Her timing in sharing this little tidbit was auspicious since the intention I’d set for my practice just moments before was “Listen to my body”.
Listen to my body. Easier said than done - tapping into that self-awareness.
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We don’t realize how hard it can be to really, truly, truthfully listen to our body when we spend most of our time rushing from one task to the next at home, at work, in life...largely in denial of neglecting our most precious resource.
I challenge you to listen to your body.
What does it say? What is it saying right now? What does it say when you’re stressed or anxious or angry at the latest turn of events?
-- Does your body sleep peacefully at night or does it protest and toss and turn?
-- Does your body enjoy the fuel you give it through the food choices you make? Does it stay happy for hours feeling strong and fulfilled or does it constantly object through grumblings and hunger pangs or bloating and indigestion?
-- Do you abuse your body with smoking or drinking alcohol or filling it with sugars and chemicals? Or do you lovingly provide it with precisely the fuel it needs for optimal health and wellness – things like water and tea and organic produce?
-- Does your body relax when you give it a moment to release or is there a perpetual tightness that creeps into your neck or shoulders or face?
-- Do you criticize your body for not being slim enough or strong enough or healthy enough or tan enough or smooth enough, wishing for a different body free from these imperfections?
------------------------------------------
I have a complex and many-layered relationship with my body.
It is out of shape, overweight, occasionally plagued with low back pain or pinching knees or protesting ankles and constantly tense/tight shoulders and neck. But it has carried me through life with as much grace as possible considering the abuse I’ve laid on it for so many years…over eating, under exercising, neglecting it at every turn.
So, how do I transform this life-long habit of abuse into love and nurturing and compassion and acceptance?
It’s a journey and a slow one, at that.
------------------------------------------
Last night, we were doing seated twists but my belly prevented me from getting into the position I wanted in order to get a full twist. I did my best to accept that this is where I am in this moment and I did my best to modify without judgment.
In moments when I’m on the yoga mat doing a yoga practice, I am given permission by my wonderful instructors to sink into this moment called “Now” and to settle deep within myself in order to have an honest dialog.
In challenging poses, I ask my legs for strength, or I ask my breath for precious air, and I do my best to listen to every single cell for cues on how to execute each move to the best of my ability.
Self-awareness comes with a price, though. Holding up a mirror of truth, I begin to see how I got here and it’s not pretty. I am challenged to face my fears, to walk towards them, and then come out the other side wiser and stronger for it. But it’s painful and scary, at times.
--------------------------------------------
After yoga last night, I began experiencing symptoms of my panic attacks. It starts with a tingling in my left arm and chest so my anxiety attacks present much like a heart attack. This sends me off on a ride of worry – Is it anxiety or is it a heart attack this time?
Then, I plunge into anger and fear chastising myself for the latest poor eating choices or for not exercising more, blaming myself for the heart attack that I am now convinced will take me at any moment.
So what did I do in the middle of this panic and fear and self-judgment? I went to Taco Bell and got a burrito.
Yes. You read that right. I got a burrito and immediately started consuming it like it might be my last.
But, something amazing happened.
Halfway through that burrito, I stopped myself and listened.
I realized that I had just made a choice that was perpetuating this awful cycle of self-destruction.
I was scared and ignoring the fear. This pushed me into a desperate search for something comforting (food) which lent itself to the panic that had originally led to my fear in the first place.
In that moment, I saw the awful cycle that I’d created for myself for all of these years.
And while it was a relief to have this moment of insight, I was completely overwhelmed at the size and scope of this cycle that gripped me so tightly. How do you begin undoing a set of habits that have been a standby since childhood?
It all comes back to self-awareness, to being present, and in listening to my body.
It was a step towards healing. One of one hundred million, but it was one. And one step is profound.
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Through self-awareness, I can begin to identify, heal, challenge, accept, grow, and love everything that is me. I’m not becoming aware of myself for anyone or anything. I am looking at myself with honesty and settling into the imperfections and seeing where I come out on the other side.
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Her timing in sharing this little tidbit was auspicious since the intention I’d set for my practice just moments before was “Listen to my body”.
Listen to my body. Easier said than done - tapping into that self-awareness.
----------------------------------------
We don’t realize how hard it can be to really, truly, truthfully listen to our body when we spend most of our time rushing from one task to the next at home, at work, in life...largely in denial of neglecting our most precious resource.
I challenge you to listen to your body.
What does it say? What is it saying right now? What does it say when you’re stressed or anxious or angry at the latest turn of events?
-- Does your body sleep peacefully at night or does it protest and toss and turn?
-- Does your body enjoy the fuel you give it through the food choices you make? Does it stay happy for hours feeling strong and fulfilled or does it constantly object through grumblings and hunger pangs or bloating and indigestion?
-- Do you abuse your body with smoking or drinking alcohol or filling it with sugars and chemicals? Or do you lovingly provide it with precisely the fuel it needs for optimal health and wellness – things like water and tea and organic produce?
-- Does your body relax when you give it a moment to release or is there a perpetual tightness that creeps into your neck or shoulders or face?
-- Do you criticize your body for not being slim enough or strong enough or healthy enough or tan enough or smooth enough, wishing for a different body free from these imperfections?
------------------------------------------
I have a complex and many-layered relationship with my body.
It is out of shape, overweight, occasionally plagued with low back pain or pinching knees or protesting ankles and constantly tense/tight shoulders and neck. But it has carried me through life with as much grace as possible considering the abuse I’ve laid on it for so many years…over eating, under exercising, neglecting it at every turn.
So, how do I transform this life-long habit of abuse into love and nurturing and compassion and acceptance?
It’s a journey and a slow one, at that.
------------------------------------------
Last night, we were doing seated twists but my belly prevented me from getting into the position I wanted in order to get a full twist. I did my best to accept that this is where I am in this moment and I did my best to modify without judgment.
In moments when I’m on the yoga mat doing a yoga practice, I am given permission by my wonderful instructors to sink into this moment called “Now” and to settle deep within myself in order to have an honest dialog.
In challenging poses, I ask my legs for strength, or I ask my breath for precious air, and I do my best to listen to every single cell for cues on how to execute each move to the best of my ability.
Self-awareness comes with a price, though. Holding up a mirror of truth, I begin to see how I got here and it’s not pretty. I am challenged to face my fears, to walk towards them, and then come out the other side wiser and stronger for it. But it’s painful and scary, at times.
--------------------------------------------
After yoga last night, I began experiencing symptoms of my panic attacks. It starts with a tingling in my left arm and chest so my anxiety attacks present much like a heart attack. This sends me off on a ride of worry – Is it anxiety or is it a heart attack this time?
Then, I plunge into anger and fear chastising myself for the latest poor eating choices or for not exercising more, blaming myself for the heart attack that I am now convinced will take me at any moment.
So what did I do in the middle of this panic and fear and self-judgment? I went to Taco Bell and got a burrito.
Yes. You read that right. I got a burrito and immediately started consuming it like it might be my last.
But, something amazing happened.
Halfway through that burrito, I stopped myself and listened.
I realized that I had just made a choice that was perpetuating this awful cycle of self-destruction.
I was scared and ignoring the fear. This pushed me into a desperate search for something comforting (food) which lent itself to the panic that had originally led to my fear in the first place.
In that moment, I saw the awful cycle that I’d created for myself for all of these years.
And while it was a relief to have this moment of insight, I was completely overwhelmed at the size and scope of this cycle that gripped me so tightly. How do you begin undoing a set of habits that have been a standby since childhood?
It all comes back to self-awareness, to being present, and in listening to my body.
It was a step towards healing. One of one hundred million, but it was one. And one step is profound.
“Yoga is not about self-improvement. Yoga is about self-awareness.”
Through self-awareness, I can begin to identify, heal, challenge, accept, grow, and love everything that is me. I’m not becoming aware of myself for anyone or anything. I am looking at myself with honesty and settling into the imperfections and seeing where I come out on the other side.
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