Monday, April 26, 2010

Conquering My Fears and Self-Doubt

Yesterday I did something extraordinary. I attended a workshop at a yoga studio I’d never been to and I pushed through my fear to discover something completely uplifting and incredible.

It was billed as a 3-hour yoga workshop with Para Darin Somma to raise funds for an Indian Sage named Amma Sri Karunamayi. Unsure of what to expect out of the space, the attendees, the presenter, and how intense the yoga would be, I felt out of my element and a little scared before I even walked through the doors.

Upon arrival, I found 6 people already in the studio and ALL of them were the epitome of crazy yoga bodies in impossible (to me) poses.

One was doing an arm balance with his legs scissored sideways, another was in lotus but his entire chest and head were flat on the floor in a deep reverent bow to Ganesha, a woman nearby was in some other super bendy pose and to make matters even more uncomfortable they seemed to all know each other.

Insecurity got the best of me and after dropping my mat on the floor, I retreated to the hallway to give myself a pep talk.

I reminded myself that if this studio truly taught yoga in its spiritual form, then they would welcome me regardless of my body size or ability.

Then, Darin came in (the workshop leader) and he was simultaneously intimidating and warmly peaceful.

He had a big bushy black beard and prayer beads around his neck. He looked to be in his mid-30’s and had a fairly traditional (Indian) look to him. When he spoke, I immediately felt as if we were friends…casual, authentic, approachable, humble, and a great sense of humor.

I learned much in the initial talk:

- What “guru” means
o “ru” in Sanskrit means “remover of” or “destroyer of” and “gu” means “darkness” – so a guru is someone that destroys darkness, or lights the way, or brings light to…as Darin said, a guru is a like a lightbulb in a room: it lights up the room but it is up to you to SEE the room as it is and to walk thru the room on your own.

- Karma and the true meaning in bowing at the feet of a guru or deity
o Karma, or truth, flows in thru your head and out thru your feet. This is why when you meet someone with great wisdom like a guru or a deity, you bow at their feet…you are trying to accept some of their karma, which flows out of their feet, by putting your head nearby. Who knew?

- Tantra
o It means “technique”, so if you know the tantra of something, you know the technique. It’s not nearly as sensual as I first thought when Darin was saying he knew of all these different tantras.

- A series of Sanskit chants (some familiar, some not)

- The history of yoga…it fit perfectly with what I’ve been reading in "Wisdom of Yoga" by Stephen Cope.

When we went around the room and introduced ourselves, it was like being cradled in pure love by all of these strangers for 3 hours. I can’t explain it. They accepted me without question, without judgment, and I felt completely safe in that space.

It’s an extraordinary thing to cultivate in such a short period of time. I think that speaks to the power of the people that participated in the workshop.

The actual yoga asanas were simple and straightforward, but we held them for long periods of time and did each a few times. I'm a little sore today in that delightfully yummy way.

As usual, the most challenging pose for me was the simple seated forward-bend because my belly gets in the way. I worked very hard to just accept my belly for what it is, to send it love instead of getting frustrated and tense, and I feel like we had a little breakthrough, my belly and I.

At the end of the workshop, Darin blessed each of us individually and it felt truly sacred.

While I certainly soaked up tremendous knowledge on an intellectual level, the lessons I really have as my take-away are:

- to face my fear and let go of the need to control a situation, to trust myself – because if my intent is to learn and to grow it’s going to turn out okay.

- to love my body’s limitations, no matter what they are, because it’s where I am right now and that’s just fine. If I reject myself or wish for something else, I’m not living in the Now and I’m stressing myself needlessly.

- meditation and chanting are powerful tools that I can use to heal the world AND to heal myself.

So, one more step on a path of millions on my quest to manifest Caya.

I feel so at peace today…there is something invaluable in being accepted, welcomed, and loved by strangers in a sacred space.

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